3. When you’re like, “Is he gonna hold the door? I don’t care if he does or not but now this is awkward.” So you go ahead of him because maybe he is holding it, but, oh … No, you go … No, I wasn’t expecting … I just … Wait, should I go now?
4. When you find out he’s super sexist. Whether he starts off with, “I don’t hate women or anything but …” or comes out of nowhere, piecing together the “Uh-oh, I think he legit hates women” puzzle is not a fave. Even if he doesn’t know that what he’s saying is sexist and hateful, teaching a guy about sexism and weeding through his issues with women is for a therapist, not a potential girlfriend.
5. When he tells you, “You’re not like other girls.” Oh, yes, please continue to tell me how I’m nothing like other women who are all bitches and sluts, my prince. Certainly you will never have the very same opinion of me, Thou Who Art Unlike Other Girls.
6. When he’s texting the whole time. Oh man, what a cool plan to make me jealous/work for your affection. It’s definitely working. (It’s not working.)
7. When he’s way too close to his mom. Yeah, you probably didn’t need to call her the minute we finished having sex for the first time. Also, please, God, never pass me the phone. I will 100 percent tell her you are a weirdo.
8. When he holds the door and you don’t know if it’s chivalry or misogyny. Is he doing it because it’s such a nice thing to do for people of all genders or because he wants a 1950s housewife??
9. When you suspect he’s actually homeless and just using you for your bed. “I don’t know, it’s just we never go to your place and when I ask you which neighborhood you live in you say, ‘It depends’ so I’m just asking if you’re like … between homes?”
10. When he only texts you after midnight. Because he works really late. Because he left his phone at home all day. Because he basically thinks you’re a hooker. Guess which one of these is the truth.
11. When you hate the first thing he says on a date but you’re polite so you have to sit through a whooooole dinner. Or feel bad lying to get out of it. “Oh, you hate Lena Dunham because you think she’s ugly? Cool. So I’m ordering a water with a side of I Suddenly Have to Be Somewhere.”
12. When you like him but his friends are human fecal matter.
And you can’t even tell him to stop being friends with them because if that’s a tough conversation to have with someone you’ve been dating for a long time, you definitely can’t have it at a mall Hooters on a second date.
13. When he does not look like his online dating
profile photo. “So quick question: Is there any way I could date the
you in this picture from 2008? He is the one I truly (would) love (to
bone).”14. When his voice sounds nothing like what you pictured when you saw his online profile. Whether it’s eight octaves too high or super low but not in a sexy Barry White way, there’s something momentarily unsettling about having an image of this person in your head and then hearing them speak that is the dating version of expecting Coke and getting Sprite.
15. When he’s suddenly acting weird and you don’t know why.
And you don’t know if he’s showing you who he truly is or if he’s suddenly becoming distant or if he met someone else, and you basically can’t ask him any of these questions because you’re not technically “together.”
16. When you convince yourself he’s not so bad because you’re lonely. This usually happens when you’ve already noticed that you don’t have any chemistry, but you felt the need to be polite and stay anyway, then the more he talked, you convinced yourself he was really nice and honestly that has to count for something?
17. When you have to stop yourself from thinking about your ex
.
“You know what, honestly Max wasn’t even that bad. I mean, he wasn’t
smart or funny, and he didn’t get my jokes, and one time he kind of
implied that he didn’t believe women should be allowed to have jobs, but
he was a really good kisser. I should email him when I get home from
this date that I’m hating.”18. When all you can think about is going home to eat pizza alone. You know you’re on a bad date when the idea of cooking the mediocre frozen pizza that’s been in your freezer since before you moved in and eating it on the couch while staring at the wall is better than this date.
